Fear and Focus.

In 2008, I was told that there was microscopic lymph node involvement. Meaning microscopic amounts of melanoma were present in a couple of the lymph nodes in my neck. I was afraid. I saw my life ending. I fought to get a treatment that I had convinced myself was necessary. Because of insurance red tape, I was unable to get this treatment, but the doctors later told me that this treatment was probably not needed since I had no evidence of distant disease. TRANSLATION: I was not going to die right now. Good news. The cancer had not spread from my left ear to the distant regions of my body.

That’s what melanoma does. It floats around your body in the blood or in the lymph nodes and somehow attaches itself to vital organs. It grows there, hidden, attached to soft tissue or organs. Eventually the tumors take over and stop normal functioning of your liver or your lungs, or your “whatever.” That is the fear of melanoma. So, the question became, “Am I living my life and moving forward? Or am I paralyzed by fear, stuck in neutral?”

My new mantra became “I am not gonna die of cancer today. I am not gonna die of cancer this week, this month or even this year. I may die of something else, however, and I better be ready.” In my journal from June 2008, I wrote, “Lord, I’m too young to get sick and die. I have too many things to do in this life. I ask, and believe by faith, for complete healing. I’m gonna go thru treatment. But I believe you have healed me already. Make my immune system powerful enough to kill melanoma in my body. I have a wife to love and serve, children to parent and lead to adulthood, hopefully grandchildren to love and guide, a Gospel to proclaim, a nation to serve, chaplains to influence and inspire, so many unfinished tasks and mountains to climb. Lord, I ask you for health. I am your servant…use me as you will… I decided to rest in the promised victory, as written in 1 Corinthians 15:57, “But thanks be to God who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” My emphasis was not going to be on the victory, but on the Lord! When the Lord comes, as Frances Roberts says in Come Away My Beloved (1973, page 57), “Count on my coming. Know that whenever faith brings Me on the scene, everything is changed. Darkness is turned to light. Grief is turned to joy. Sickness to health. Poverty to my sufficiency. Doubt to faith. Anxiety to Trust.” ©2010 Ray Woolridge